Haunted Tower
by VampireApple
Summary: It started with Clint pranking Stark Employees, then Pepper tried to stop it, and it ended in a team orgy. Crack fic.


I don't know… It kinda got away from me. Enjoy?

Disclaimer: I don't own Avengers.

**((((()))))**

There were times Bruce could almost hate Tony. Bruce had his own lab. He was happy in his lab. A Tony free lab. Until Tony comes in to show him something and then makes Bruce's cell divider explode. And since Tony already broke his own cell divider Bruce was forced to go down to use a Stark Industries lab to use a cell divider there. He found an empty one. It had a Brazilian charm to ward off evil on the door. He wondered how he knew that. The Monk in Romania? No, the Shaman in Bora Bora.

It wasn't the strangest thing he'd seen that day, so he ignored it.

He sat quietly and peacefully and went about splitting innocent cells that did nothing bad to him. He was broken out of his concentration when Clint dropped from the ceiling. The archer swung a bag off his shoulder. He pulled out dried, crushed leaves and sprinkled them on a table. Then he took out a giant white candle and a knife. He carved symbols into the wax and lit it. Clint winked at Bruce before going back in the duct.

Bruce didn't know what was going on and didn't want to become involved. He ignored everything and finished his task.

**((((()))))**

Unsurprisingly, it was not Tony who first noticed what was going in his company. Pepper was not the first to notice either. It was a mid-level minion in Human Resources that first noticed the strange trends in Avenger's Tower. Actually, that's a lie. The women from the cleaning service that complained about having to always vacuum up salt and how it was destroying the machines. The HR minion was the first to do something about it.

The HR Minion, who shall be named Jim read the complaint. He walked through several floors of the building; he saw lots of religious items, spells and prayers on desks, voodoo dolls, salt circling various cubicles, desks and labs, and other 'stuff' that warded off spirits and demons.

Let's be clear, Tony Stark is a very logical… okay, not always logical but a very scientific man, and what will never change. Science rules all to Tony. However, after an alien invasion headed by a Norse god wielding a magic stick his employees are a little more open minded. So Jim did, in his mind, the only logical thing. He held an exorcism.

Steve enjoys his morning runs with Clint. They didn't happen very often so he mostly ran by himself. One morning as he entered the tower with Clint he noticed something odd.

"Clint, why is a priest here?"

The archer looked confused for a moment, before laughing harder than Steve had ever heard.

**((((()))))**

"Tony, we have a problem," Pepper said. She had managed to corner Tony in his bathroom while he was talking a shower.

"Pep, is now really the time?"

"It's the only time I can have your full attention, unless you decide to play with yourself, which I will know about because your shower is an open one."

"… ouch."

Pepper raised an eyebrow.

Tony started to shampoo his hair. "What's the problem?"

"The employees of Stark Industries are ready to revolt. Apparently the priest-"

"What? Priest? A religious figure in my Tower? My Tower of Science?"

"Tony, don't you want to know why your employees felt the need to call a priest to hold an exorcism in the first place?"

"Um, no?"

Pepper sighed.

Tony got shampoo in his eye. He made a very unmanly noise and tried to wash it out.

"Tony, your employees are convinced their work place is haunted. Aren't you at all concerned about this?"

"I have more pressing concerns to worry about. I might be blind now. How can I pilot the suit if I'm blind? JARVIS could be my eyes, maybe. Hm… maybe-"

"Tony!"

"Okay, hold your salt." Tony blinked, his vision clearing. His eye still stung, but he could see.

"Alright, crisis averted. I say we fire everyone."

"Really, Tony?"

"Yeah, because, hello? We're all about science and engineering and logic-"

"Tony, you are one of the least logical people I know."

"Ignoring that. So, I can't have minions who believe in that crap."

"They are not your minions and it is not crap." Pepper shook her head. Honestly, I'm not sure why I even came to talk to you."

"I'm not sure why you did either."

**((((()))))**

In the end, Pepper just asked JARVIS what was going on.

"Honestly, JARVIS, its like dealing with children some times."

"Yes Miss. Potts."

"Please have them all assemble in the common area in half an hour."

"Yes Miss. Potts."

"Thank you JARVIS."

**((((()))))**

Pepper was not a babysitter. She was a CEO. She had very competent people working for her, but she had many responsibilities that she couldn't delegate. So she was going to treat this like a business meeting and hoped that the more intelligent and insightful of the group would realize what she was saying with subtext. She was not a mother scolding and disciplining her children. She made an itinerary, and a PowerPoint. She had cookies (for Steve, Thor and Clint), tea (for Bruce and Natasha) and coffee (for Tony) as well a lovely display of fruits and veggies. Maybe someone would eat something healthy.

She knew the importance of a good entrance so she waited until the team was at the table chatting away.

"Silence!" she commanded. "From now until the end of this meeting none of you are allowed to speak unless I asked you a direct question and you are only allowed to speak in regards to that question. Say yes if you understand."

"Yes," six voices chorused.

Tony looked uninterested. Bruce was definitely amused. Steve was curious. Thor was attentive. Natasha was impressively bored yet interested. Clint looked like he was going to fall asleep.

"Does everyone here understand that I am a CEO?

"Yes."

"Does everyone understand that I have important duties I must perform?"

"Yes." Tony's was answer slightly slower this time.

"I am not a babysitter. All of you are very capable adults on the battle field. Off the field most of you are like overly emotional, hormone charged teenagers." Thor was confused. So was Steve. Clint was trying not to snicker while Bruce was fighting a smile. Tony was offended. Natasha hadn't changed "and it takes very special people to deal with you. There are maybe twenty people on the planet, and I'm counting you six in that. I have neither the time nor the desire to babysit you in a non battle environment. Nor do I want to look after the people all of you emotionally or mentally eviscerate."

Pepper took a breath clicked a button. The PowerPoint turned on showing a slide entitled 'Fixing The Problem Area'.

"Not all of you have the same devastating effect as others." She gave a hard look Tony, Clint and Natasha. "So, the purpose of this meeting is to make you aware of your biggest problem area, so you can work on fixing it. This is for the benefit of SI employees. Its not that I don't care about the mental health of the world at large, I'm just bring practical and selfish."

"Clint." The archer jumped. Pepper clicked the remote again and a new slide came on. It had the Ghost Buster symbol. Underneath were the words 'No pranking!' "You have got to stop terrorizing SI employees. You're giving them mental break downs, which is giving me a headache. Stop pranking people who are not Avengers or high ranking S.H.I.E.L.D agents. Got it?"

"Yes." He looked appropriately cowed.

The next slide had the look of a smiley face, but instead of curved lips it had a straight line.

"Natasha, you are a very intimidating woman and I appreciate that. Greatly. However, you make people cry when you glare at them. Then they have mental break downs. Its fine for people who deserve it. People who smile and say hello to you don't deserve it. Just keep your face blank and nod okay?"

Natasha nodded.

This slide was just a music note.

"Bruce…" Pepper sighed and went over to Bruce to pat him on the head. "You are too quiet. You appear out of nowhere and give people heart attacks and strokes. It has nothing to do with the fact that you turn into a giant green rage monster, and more that you are like a ghost."

Bruce shrugged sheepishly.

"I think we should put a cowbell on you."

Clint and Tony choked on their laughter, desperately trying not to make noise. Bruce glared at them.

Pepper clicked the remote and a slide with a beaker with an X over it.

"Thor, I'm very glad you're taking an interest in science but you're giving the scientists panic attacks. When you break something, especially something unstable, they think they're going to die. Some of them, particularly the Swedish, Finish and Norwegians think you're going to kill them anyway. If you have any questions, bother Tony."

Tony gave Pepper a look of betrayal. Bruce smirked.

The next slide had a heart on it.

"Steve, do you know that at least half of the company wants to kidnap you and horde you for themselves?"

"No?" Steve looked startled.

"Well, they do. You and Tony are my problem children" Tony made an indignant noise "because I don't know how to fix the problem."

Tony raised his hand.

"I don't think there's any make-over that would help-"

Tony started waving his arm.

"and even if there was one I wouldn't do it because I believe you are perfect as you are I don't want to change you."

Tony was leaning over the table waving his hand in Pepper's face.

"Yes Tony?"

"I think we should be Steve's body guards and scare away anyone who wants to jump him."

Silence.

Steve blushed. The rest of the team looked thoughtful.

"Tony, how would all of you scaring away everyone from Steve in any way help preserve the mental health of Stark Industry employees?"

"Dunno, but we should do it anyways because Steve is our captain and belongs to us."

The others nodded Steve blushed harder.

Pepper realized that forbidding them would just make them creative, so she went for damage control. "You cannot touch innocent bystanders."

Bruce raised his hand.

"Yes Bruce?"

"Does Steve count?"

"… no." The team started to communicate with facial expressions and small gestures. Pepper realized she had somehow lost control of the group. She wrapped it up quickly. "And Tony, I'm going to give everyone a pay raise and more vacation time so hopefully everyone won't quit."

Pepper left the room feeling like she had just made a bad situation worse. That feeling was cemented when she heard Tony yell "naked time!"

**((((()))))**

So, thanks to Pepper Saturday nights became 'orgy night'. That didn't limit team-sex to Saturday nights. Or the nighttime. On the plus side it kept the team distracted more often than not, so Pepper's employee's mental health was improving. It was also a lot easier to distract them. She just had to tear a shirt off of someone, and maybe spray them with water or oil. Or honey.

Pepper actually counted the whole situation as a win. With this group, she'd take what she could get.

**((((()))))**

Okay, so it was just going to be about Clint pranking people in the Tower, then Pepper was like "I'm sick of this, I'm going to stop it" and Tony was all "I want an orgy" and everyone else agreed so I'm left wondering "What the hell?"


End file.
